Sometimes, arrgggh!

Having lost my brother to suicide, just over a month ago now, it has been a difficult month. I had been somewhat estranged from him for a few years, not by choice, thus had no idea he was even depressed, let alone suicidally so. 

At the family-only wake recently I was to hear for the past three years he’d been suicidal and researching methods for taking his life. He had made several failed attempts, none of which I had heard of, it’s hard not to resent the total exclusion as it prevented my making any attempts to help him. I don’t know of course had I have known and helped whether he might still have been here, but not being allowed to try makes me so angry. 

Another wake is to occur this week, for friends of the brother lost and the one he lived with; we have been invited with them conveniently informed we were estranged in the invite, so it feels daggered. My other brother had approached me to make a video for the day, which I’d agreed to do, however needed help as I didn’t know events; also I may have compatibility issues with windows media files given I’m a Mac user. I was not given the files in the end, they went to my sister. Tonight my father decided to try guilting me from the other side of the country for not making the video, I am so pissed off I’ve deleted Facebook Messenger so I don’t have to hear from him any longer. 

My world for a large lotto win that I could dump my life here and move overseas for good. Over it!