Sometimes, arrgggh!

Having lost my brother to suicide, just over a month ago now, it has been a difficult month. I had been somewhat estranged from him for a few years, not by choice, thus had no idea he was even depressed, let alone suicidally so. 

At the family-only wake recently I was to hear for the past three years he’d been suicidal and researching methods for taking his life. He had made several failed attempts, none of which I had heard of, it’s hard not to resent the total exclusion as it prevented my making any attempts to help him. I don’t know of course had I have known and helped whether he might still have been here, but not being allowed to try makes me so angry. 

Another wake is to occur this week, for friends of the brother lost and the one he lived with; we have been invited with them conveniently informed we were estranged in the invite, so it feels daggered. My other brother had approached me to make a video for the day, which I’d agreed to do, however needed help as I didn’t know events; also I may have compatibility issues with windows media files given I’m a Mac user. I was not given the files in the end, they went to my sister. Tonight my father decided to try guilting me from the other side of the country for not making the video, I am so pissed off I’ve deleted Facebook Messenger so I don’t have to hear from him any longer. 

My world for a large lotto win that I could dump my life here and move overseas for good. Over it!

First day back

After weeks off since my brother was lost, plus annual leave for Easter/ANZAC Day too, today was my first day back in the office. It was with some apprehension I padded into the office and walked in, just two of the three usual early birds, phew. As expected they offered condolences and asked how I was, initially I was okay, however as I turned for my desk it did start to hit me; deep breaths. 

I typically buy bananas to eat during the week, as I had the week my brother took his life, these were still in my cabinet three weeks later, along with little bugs and a stench I’d rather not have met; I had also left my lunch in the fridge and needed to dispose of that too, thankfully no bugs though. 

My fruit bowl and lunchbox now clean I could finally sit down to enjoy the cappuccino I’d purchased at Aroma; another breath. My supervisor arrived. He’d called me the day I’d had to go to the morgue with my mother and identify my brother, I was slightly a mess as you might expect. He asked me into a small meeting room to have a chat about things, but also to advise of an office global email that’d gone out outlining what’d happened and that I would be away for a prolonged period. Naturally he, and our manager, were concerned as to my reaction at people knowing what had occurred, the email wasn’t meant to include that; I was fine with that as conversely it actually saved me from having to tell people if they asked why I was away. 

My friend Vicki kindly took me to lunch and for a chat, it was nice to get out just for half an hour and talk. It has been funny, I thought coming into this week I was in a different head space, however it shows me it’s going to take a while to deal with Haydn’s loss, thankfully I have a lot of kind and supportive people around. 

Lost my bro

I woke yesterday morning as I always do, turned over the iPhone and noticed my Aunt Janice had tried to call me, twice. Strange, I rarely hear from her. 

Picked up my laptop and as am starting to surf the Internet mum sends through an iMessage text to contact her; at 6 am that’s strange, something must be up, so I respond. “Call me, it’s urgent!”

It was in the next minute I learned my little brother had decided it was all too much and had taken his own life. It was all a little to surreal, I hoped I had heard wrongly, but no, I had not. I later talked to Aunt Janice and learned he’d ended his life with a gun; I have no idea where he got it, access to these being controlled here. 

It makes me sad to know we won’t see him again, he was just 32 years old. Depression is such an unforgiving beast, all consuming and overwhelming at times. 

Sadly my other brother whom he lives with doesn’t know this has occurred, he took a new job on a remote farm with no mobile reception and only returns on the weekends. It is going to hit him so hard once he finally gets the texts, discovering his brother, mate and housemate is now lost. 

RIP Haydn (Dinno)

13 Reasons Why

I just finished binge watching another Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why. The series revolves around the suicide of a high school student who, prior to her committing suicide, records on cassette tape 13 sides explaining the reasons, each assigned to a specific individual. 

Season one revolved around Clay listening to these tapes and wondering how he was connected, and was he in any way responsible for Hannah’s suicide; could he have done more to have saved her. As Clay listens to each reason (side) he gets progressively more angry at those who are featured. 

I think perhaps that which makes 13 Reasons Why great viewing is it manages to show several sides to teenage suicide. We see the side of those closest to the teenager, those who knew them, and of course the parents trying desperately to understand why. 

Recommended viewing.